How am I doing?

I can hardly believe May is here. Surprisingly enough, it's gone fast. Well, some of it was slow. The aches and pains, the barfing, the heartburn and digestive issues.
I've done the hard tasks. Sorting clothes. Cleaning the carseat. Getting crib ready. Now we play the waiting game.
Today was a nostalgic day. #4 had a field trip so he was not with me all morning. I missed him keeping me company, challenging me to a game of Uno where the ultimate champion gets to boss around the other. I missed reading his books and letting him chatter on about his friends.
I did a batch of laundry where pink baby clothes were mixed in with all our others and it was a weird moment. Seeing the clothes that Joy wore and not yet holding a baby but knowing the clothes are for her. She's still a dream until I hold her. Yes. I'm in a weird place.
When I was cleaning the carseat, (which was disgustingly dirty) I thought about how I was wiping away remnants of Joy. Her spit-up. Her cracker crumbs. Her little messes. I wasn't emotional about it really, it's just all so weird.
In other news...She has a name. (Which won't be disclosed until birth.)
And I'm dilated to a 3. Big whoop. I could still go two more weeks but it's a start.

Easter

This year I wanted to do something special for Easter.
I decided to turn our typical treasure hunt into service oriented activities sprinkled with a little candy. The service was for our family. I didn't really think creatively enough to expand to others. (Plus, That laundry really needed to be folded.)
So the kids planted our peas, did a secret service for someone, put away items out of place around the house, folded laundry, and looked for a few treats hidden around the house. They also had to look for hidden pinwheels that we took to the cemetery.
Standing around Joy's grave we talked about the resurrection and how grateful we are that Jesus paved the way so that we know that Joy will live again.

Birthday Haiku

It's no surprise that my children are geniuses. #2 gave me this card for my birthday and informed me that it was a Haiku. I had to be reminded of what that was. (Each line has a certain number of syllables or words or something. 5-7-5. I think.)
I just thought it was a really sweet reminder that Joy is with us and we are always thinking of her.

I had a sister
Whose work was done on the earth
So she flew away

I will still love her
I will still remember her
Although she is gone

She is my laughter
She is my precious angel
She is still my Joy

I have memories
That I will always treasure
And never forget

Even though I'm sad
I know she's in a good place
Where I want to be

I try to be good
So I can see her again
And be together



#3's card said this:
I love you so much.
Joy is watching over us and thinking I love my eternal family.
She loves you very much.
I do to.
We all do.
This is a very special day. Joy is so happy to have lived with you.
I love you.

Dear Target Shoppers,

I apologize for that emotionally unstable lady you ran into yesterday in the baby aisle. She really isn't ready to look at needed baby items. While she was looking at the clearance items and accidentally dropped a portable crib slip cover on the table of lotions and shampoos, spilling them into the aisles, Thank you to the two ladies who scrambled over to help pick them up while she stood there deciding if she should purchase the item.
To the woman with the car seat blocking her view, with the toddler hanging off the side, whose cart bumped into this emotionally unstable lady: I promise that she wasn't hurt, the tears were from your apology, "So sorry. It's hard to steer these carts when they're covered in babies."
To the maternity salesperson: No offense intended for her complaints about the butt part of the pants being too small while the stomach part is too big. (Her emotional eating is catching up with her behind while her baby bump is still small.)
To the random strangers with beautiful girl toddlers in your carts: I'm sorry she stares and cries. She can't help but wish there was one in her cart.
Be assured, dear friends at Target, she only visits you when she absolutely has to such as when the junior high gym teacher is demanding a swimsuit and tennis shoes. And don't worry, next time she tries to go shopping in the baby aisle, I'll make sure she has a chaperone.
With Love,
Tami

We Have Not Forgotten

These words have been the cause of my tears today. I received a card in the mail from the funeral home. It's actually a very generic, plain card. But they are in the business of knowing just what to say. Four words. We have not forgotten.
I think this must be the fear of every person who has lost someone. I want people to remember her. As time goes on, it will be harder to remember the details of her life. She wasn't here long. What if I forget? I am already accustomed to this new way of living without her. My new normal.
Thank you to everyone who has remembered us. We have received many calls, emails, cards, packages, flowers, balloons.



My sweet nephews sent me this candy bar poster. I love it and I'm not sharing any candy.



My kids attacked this before I could even get a picture.

The flowers are gorgeous and we love Dora balloons.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One Year Later

Sunday, January 20, 2008: The day my life changed forever. I'll never forget that phone call.
It's hard to believe that it's been a year. I see how much my kids have grown and I can't help but wonder. What would she be like? I wonder what she's been doing. What mission is she on? What work was so important that she had to hurry back?

The kids were out of school so we had a day filled with family activities. First, we went bowling.

We cheered for each other and were the loudest in the whole place..

This was so cute. Copying his bowling technique.
I can officially claim the title as best bowler in the family.
After we went out to lunch, we went to the cemetery. We sang Joy her favorite songs and it was a beautiful, peaceful day.In the evening, My dear bother and his wife came and brought dinner. We played games and just hung out as a family. We lined the driveway and walkway with luminaries and they were beautiful.
We will never forget you Joy, our sweet daughter.

Houseplants

I'm sort of mad at my plants. I'm angry that they have lived for a whole year. I didn't even own a plant before January of last year. Well, except for the plant that I received as a wedding gift. To insure it's survival, my mom took it hostage one day shortly thereafter. Under her care, it has grown into a large tree. So here I am, one year later, with a house full of plants. To be fair, they too, have survived mostly because my mom waters them every time she visits. I guess I'm just annoyed that my plants live while my Joy doesn't. The picture above is one of my plants after a lack of water. This is how I feel some days. Just a little down. One of the things I love about this plant is that with a little water, it bounces right back. I'm a lot like this plant. Some days are harder than others but I bounce back.