Subway Delight

As we were traveling up to visit my husband's parents, we decided to stop at the half way point, a gas station/Subway. This is the place that I met them to hand over Joy, January 16, 2008, the last day I saw my daughter alive. I haven't been back to this place since. Our other trips I have purposely avoided the stop. So I geared up to handle it and inside we went. I showed the kids the table she was climbing on clutching the bag of cheetos I had bought her. In case we were going to get all sentimental or something, we were brought back to the present with our sweet baby exploding. And I mean exploding.
It always happens at the most inconvenient times. For example. No changing table in the bathroom. I mean the gas station is in the middle of nowhere. They could at least have a changing table. So fair warning if you ever want to stop and eat there.
Don't sit at the first table on your left as you enter. Yep. I changed my daughter on a table in Subway. I know. It's really gross to think about. I used paper towels to lay her on. Lots of baby wipes to clean up. It even required a change of clothes for me.
It really lightened the mood and made us all laugh during a time that might have been sad.

How many kids do you have?

Sometimes I'm confused.
In my heart, I have six.
On earth, I have five.
But this summer, sometimes I've had 4 or 3, or 2.
I took the kids to a movie. When the cashier asked me how many kids tickets I needed, I got confused. Let's see. 6 kids minus 1 that's in heaven plus a baby that doesn't need a ticket minus #1 at Girl's camp minus #3 who's staying with her grandma.
#2 got to stay with her cousins.
#1 had two weeks of camps.
So I'm finally back to my 5.
My heart still sometimes aches for 6.
But I'll take 5.

Here's to:

Getting 3 hours of sleep in a row.
Relief Society Meals.
Sisters who bring disposable dishes.
Older children that can change diapers, burp baby and even buckle baby into car seat.
The smell of a clean and lotioned baby.
Naps.
Caffeine. (Hello Happy Hour)
Baked Goods (I can't get enough.)
Grandmas and Grandpas.
Dads that take the first night shift.
Heart Shaped Lips.
and
Arms that are no longer empty.

The Missing

I sort of feel like I've gone backwards. I have six children but I never got to experience having six all at the same time on earth. I'm doing 5 again. Everyday I see the blazing gap between #4 and Baby. It has ripped my heart open again. I miss my Joy. I have gotten used to her not being here but having the baby and seeing the hole just makes me miss her. I can only imagine her as the big sister, wanting to hold the baby and help mommy get diapers. I can only imagine her pretending to nurse her dolls as her sisters did when she was born.
Joy, 4 days old
Isn't it amazing how a mother's heart can stretch and love so easily? It's a little scary to open your heart and love too much. But it's too late. I'm in love.
9 days old and ready to visit the cemetery

What's so "natural" about pitocin anyway?

So I've been having the eternal debate.

I read two of my angel mom friends delivery stories and they both beautifully describe the natural birthing process that they went through.

My last three baby deliveries have been epidural-free. It was very empowering to know that I could do it. I lived in "granola" land and felt a little bit heroic to join the throngs of women who have birthed babies naturally.
So now I'm back in happy valley where they hand out epidurals with breakfast and I really want one. I'm actually not scared of contractions, transition, or pushing (the last two have slid out with no pushing). I'm worried about afterwards. Delivering the placenta, massaging the uterus, getting stitches. The after birth pains are pretty intense. I really want to enjoy the process.
I want to hold my baby after delivery instead of being in pain and saying, "No thanks. I'll wait."

I feel like this time, as I bring a baby from heaven, I can save myself some pain whereas I couldn't escape the pain of sending one back to heaven. Where was my epidural then? I guess there's no epidural for the heart.

How am I doing?

I can hardly believe May is here. Surprisingly enough, it's gone fast. Well, some of it was slow. The aches and pains, the barfing, the heartburn and digestive issues.
I've done the hard tasks. Sorting clothes. Cleaning the carseat. Getting crib ready. Now we play the waiting game.
Today was a nostalgic day. #4 had a field trip so he was not with me all morning. I missed him keeping me company, challenging me to a game of Uno where the ultimate champion gets to boss around the other. I missed reading his books and letting him chatter on about his friends.
I did a batch of laundry where pink baby clothes were mixed in with all our others and it was a weird moment. Seeing the clothes that Joy wore and not yet holding a baby but knowing the clothes are for her. She's still a dream until I hold her. Yes. I'm in a weird place.
When I was cleaning the carseat, (which was disgustingly dirty) I thought about how I was wiping away remnants of Joy. Her spit-up. Her cracker crumbs. Her little messes. I wasn't emotional about it really, it's just all so weird.
In other news...She has a name. (Which won't be disclosed until birth.)
And I'm dilated to a 3. Big whoop. I could still go two more weeks but it's a start.

Easter

This year I wanted to do something special for Easter.
I decided to turn our typical treasure hunt into service oriented activities sprinkled with a little candy. The service was for our family. I didn't really think creatively enough to expand to others. (Plus, That laundry really needed to be folded.)
So the kids planted our peas, did a secret service for someone, put away items out of place around the house, folded laundry, and looked for a few treats hidden around the house. They also had to look for hidden pinwheels that we took to the cemetery.
Standing around Joy's grave we talked about the resurrection and how grateful we are that Jesus paved the way so that we know that Joy will live again.