What a difference 4 years makes

Here is our family reunion photo from 2006.

Here is the one from 2010.

In so many ways I feel as if I'm reliving the years I had Joy but in so many ways I am also living a new life with much older kids and a new baby girl. It is wonderful. We hold Joy in our hearts but this baby in our arms.

Wrong Number

Today when I got home I heard this message on my answering machine.

Old Lady Voice: "Hello there. This is Joy. I was just calling to see how you are doing today. I want you to know I was thinking about you and I love you. I'll call you later, Carol."

So it really was a wrong number and not for me but that Carol lady is pretty lucky to get (well, actually, not get) that phone call today. I knew it really wasn't my Joy checking in but I love that an old lady named Joy called my house today.

Just Breathe

Respiratory. Virus. These two words scare the xxxx out of me.
My baby has RSV. The doctor told me that every child between the ages of 0-2 will get this virus multiple times. The body doesn't build immunities to it so they could get it over and over. She is doing fine. She doesn't need breathing treatments. She just has a cough, a fever and a miserable cold.

Here is my mental state.

My baby coughs all night and she gasps for air during the coughing, but when she's done, resumes normal breathing, no wheezing or anything.
I literally hold my breath during these episodes and have decided to become her roommate just to listen to her breathe all night long.

I remind myself of two things:
Joy did not die from RSV
and
God is in charge of my life. I have no power to stop what is to be. So all I can do is love as much as I can for the time that I have and hope it's a really long time.

And pray fast and furious.

Crash, Bang, Boom

In the middle of the night, 3:30 a.m. to be exact, we arose to a clatter.
It sounded like a loud boom and glass breaking. I immediately thought someone was breaking in and grabbed the phone to dial 911. My husband, fearing for the safety of one of the children, jumped up to investigate.
The picture hanging above our couch had fallen down on top of the Joy tree and sent it tumbling down. The picture wire in back had come loose and luckily as it fell, it hit the ground in such a way that the glass didn't break. Well more like, unfortunately, the joy tree cushioned it's fall.
Relatively minor damage, though.
The damage was limited to four ornaments. Two are easy fixes. The other two are going to be harder to glue. All in all the damage is minor compared to what could have been.
And it IS a material possession.
I remember when I was growing up, my mom telling me after I broke a dish, "We love people, not things."

I'm repeating that to myself as I pick up the ornaments.
It is true.
But I love a person who is represented by this thing.

Time after Time

(Joy, 1 year old)
2 Years.
In some ways the longest two years of my life. In some ways the shortest.
How can it be that she's been gone so long? and yet so short a time?
This concept of time is confusing. My life has been on pause since that day but it also hasn't paused. The kids have grown up. I've had a baby. Time has moved on. We have always told each one of our kids as they were babies, "Don't grow up. Stay just the age you are. I wish we could push pause." But we don't really mean it. We have one child that is eternally 2 years and 3 months. We don't really want another that doesn't grow up.
2 Years.
You know what? We are doing good. The baby has helped us heal. I love seeing the kids with delighted faces as they get her to laugh or they feed her or play. They feel Joy through her as they enjoy having a baby sister.
Time really does heal. But time is also a stealer of memories. As time passes, we forget. We don't want to but we do.
It's a balance of moving forward and not forgetting.
I still think about Joy every day. I hope I always do.
I don't want to forget.
I just want to keep on loving and living.

Joy's Toy's

This year we donated Joy's Toy's to a store where less fortunate families can pick Christmas gifts. It is sponsored by several charities and it is local. We really enjoyed picking out her gifts. It's really hard to think about her getting older. We had to get Dora slippers. She may have grown out of her Dora phase by now, but I don't think WE ever will.

Have a Merry Christmas and thanks to all those who donated toys in honor of Joy. We love it when she is remembered.

Grief is OK-even for Mormons

I read this article today

The author talks about how people sometimes dismiss the loss of our loved ones because our religion teaches that we will see them again. I loved that he validates our grief and uses President Hinckley as an example.
Great article.