The Missing

I sort of feel like I've gone backwards. I have six children but I never got to experience having six all at the same time on earth. I'm doing 5 again. Everyday I see the blazing gap between #4 and Baby. It has ripped my heart open again. I miss my Joy. I have gotten used to her not being here but having the baby and seeing the hole just makes me miss her. I can only imagine her as the big sister, wanting to hold the baby and help mommy get diapers. I can only imagine her pretending to nurse her dolls as her sisters did when she was born.
Joy, 4 days old
Isn't it amazing how a mother's heart can stretch and love so easily? It's a little scary to open your heart and love too much. But it's too late. I'm in love.
9 days old and ready to visit the cemetery

What's so "natural" about pitocin anyway?

So I've been having the eternal debate.

I read two of my angel mom friends delivery stories and they both beautifully describe the natural birthing process that they went through.

My last three baby deliveries have been epidural-free. It was very empowering to know that I could do it. I lived in "granola" land and felt a little bit heroic to join the throngs of women who have birthed babies naturally.
So now I'm back in happy valley where they hand out epidurals with breakfast and I really want one. I'm actually not scared of contractions, transition, or pushing (the last two have slid out with no pushing). I'm worried about afterwards. Delivering the placenta, massaging the uterus, getting stitches. The after birth pains are pretty intense. I really want to enjoy the process.
I want to hold my baby after delivery instead of being in pain and saying, "No thanks. I'll wait."

I feel like this time, as I bring a baby from heaven, I can save myself some pain whereas I couldn't escape the pain of sending one back to heaven. Where was my epidural then? I guess there's no epidural for the heart.