Christmas with the Ones I Love

These are the things I loved about Christmas.

Sleeping over at my parents house.
All the traditions: Christmas Eve Dinner and Program and the Christmas Morning cinnamon rolls with Mom's eggs.
I loved feeling their love, being snowed in and letting my mom wait on me.

I loved that my kids were excited about toothbrushes, gum and other miscellaneous little things in their stockings.

I was probably more excited about their bikes then they were, especially because there was one for me out there.

I loved that even though there was not a princess bike in the garage on Christmas Morning, I had peace in my heart.

Wishing you a Pink Christmas

Only 17 of you were right.
I admit I am surprised, too.
The girls came home from a day of skiing to find this.


Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve Cemetary Caroling

We wanted to go caroling to Joy so we all decorated a white lunch sack and made luminaries. We lit them and sang. It was freezing cold but we sang our hearts out knowing she was listening.




Merry Christmas little Joy.
We love you.

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Christmas Past

This time last year, we were eagerly awaiting and anticipating Christmas. I was so excited to surprise my kids with their trip to see Wicked. We caroled to our friends. We sang in the Messiah and our ward choir. We went to parties and movies. We went skiing and sledding. As my husband puts it, we were happily oblivious to the events soon to come. We were in our little perfect world.

It feels weird this year. The same but different. We are doing the usual things. We are even enjoying them most of the time. Our hearts are missing our little Joy. Our capacity to love others has grown immensely and I think this year we really understand and are grateful for the birth of the Christ child who made it possible for us all to return to live with our Heavenly Parents.

Monkey Ornament

At my daughter's funeral, my bro-in-law told the story of when he and his wife were babysitting my kids. Joy was looking for me one morning and was calling, "Mom". He said, "She's not here, try Dad." He wasn't there either so they proceeded to call each of the other kids. They were downstairs sleeping so he said, "Try monkey." So she went around calling for monkey, monkey whenever she was looking for him. When we got home from our trip, we were wondering why she wandered the halls saying "monkey, monkey" in her sing-song voice.
I received this in the mail today and I love it. I've been crying all day about it.


The perfect addition to the Joy tree.

Obsessed

The Christmas after Joy was born, one of my friends brought me some candles that had Joy written on them. She asked me, "Are you sick of Joy stuff?" I wasn't then and let's just say that now, I'm mildly obsessed.
I picked these up at a local store. So darling.
My Joy tree is just looking fantastic. My sister sent these in the mail.I picked these up at Kohls.

That fat snowman. How cute is that.

Sorry kids.

About Christmas.

Mom spent all her time and money shopping for Joy ornaments.

Sharing Joy

I have talked about the Sharing Place before. It is a wonderful program for children that have lost someone close to them. They get to do activities that remember their loved one and they get to "share" whatever feelings or thoughts they are having. While the children are doing this, the parents are in a circle talking about their experiences. All the adults in my group are there because they lost a spouse. Sometimes when we are sharing, I feel like the outsider. They are talking about life challenges without a spouse and I'm talking about burying a child. While both are hard, they are different and I have gotten so much more out of talking to Molly and the other Angel moms I have met through the blogging world.

A few weeks ago, the group was discussing the challenges of the holidays and missing their loved ones. Everyone in my group has already faced at least 1 to 2 Christmases. Since it was my first, they were wondering if we were doing anything special. I mentioned my Joy tree and a couple of other things. Last night, a few of the dads in my group brought me these.

I can't even tell you how this touched me. They said they had thought of me while they were shopping this year. I guess it meant so much because I hardly know them. These men had lost their wives and they are raising their kids alone. It just proved that even though our losses are different, we are still empathetic to losing a loved one.

#2 and 3 made these and proudly added them to the Joy tree.

The Missing Sunbeam

Today the Sunbeams were introduced in primary. They got to stand in front and twirl a wand while the primary kids sang, "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam."
I was playing the piano today and that was good because I would not have held up as the song leader.
There are times when I miss her so much that it hurts. Today was one of those days.
It's not that I don't get the plan. It's not that I don't trust that the Lord knew what he was doing. In fact, I know only the gifted kids get to skip sunbeams and go to heaven early. It's just that it seems too far away until we get to be with her again.

Singing is an act of Joy

Last night we had the privilege of attending the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert. I think everybody should hear them live at least once in their lifetime. They are incredible. Music has a way of touching my soul in a way that nothing else can. One of my most spiritual moments in my whole life was leading a Stake Choir in the Hallelujah Chorus. To this day I can't sing that song without crying and remembering that special moment for me.
The guest artist, Broadway Star, Brian Stokes Mitchell, made a point that just resonated with my whole soul. He said that Christmas is a time of Joy. Then he said, "Singing is an act of Joy."
This I know to be true. I have enjoyed so much the opportunity to sing this year. I know that music is truly a heavenly form of communicating.
It is exciting to think that you can take it with you. We can all be a part of the heavenly choir. (We should all practice up by joining our ward choirs.) Truly, for me, singing is an act of Joy.

Lazy Day

So today is a lazy day. I slept in and have lazily stayed in my p.j.'s.
I did, however, jump out of bed when I heard my favorite person's high pitched voice at my door (pre-9 a.m.) bringing me this:

Can you tell how purple and sparkly it is from the picture? I love it.

Toys for Tots

One other post about doing something to remember Joy this Holiday Season.
I think one of my greatest fears is that people will forget that Joy ever existed.

I invited my nieces and nephews to let Joy participate in the cousin gift exchange by purchasing a gift that a three year old girl would love. I asked them to donate it to “Toys for Tots” or a homeless shelter in the area where they live.
There are lots of kids that might not get presents this year so we thought this would be a nice way to remember Joy and help out another child. If you want to also participate, I would love it. Send me an email and a picture or leave a comment and tell me about your experience.

Here is what each of the kids picked out. It was a fun way to remember their sister.

Gifts for Joy

This year we decided to hang Joy's stocking and fill it with gifts for her. We are all doing acts of service for each other and for everyone we can. It is a way to remember the real reason for the season. We want to bring Joy to everyone. We want to feel our Savior's love by serving others. We want to feel closer to Christ so we can remember that we want to return to live with our Heavenly Father and Joy again. When you perform a kind act, you get to write it on a paper and put it in the stocking. On Christmas Eve, we will read them all. May you, too, feel a lot of Joy this Holiday Season by serving others.

Festival of Trees

Today we sang at the Festival of Trees. I prepared myself emotionally. I couldn't look at the audience because my mom came to watch and I knew I'd cry if I looked at her. There were also some friends from church there. So I avoided eye contact with the audience, avoided thinking about the fact that so many people donated trees and didn't look at the big poster with a sick child in a hospital bed. It was exhausting. We sounded great I think and the people I knew said I was "glowing." So I made it through without crying.
The festival benefits Primary Children's so there are a lot of families that donate trees in memory of a child that dies there. So we walked around and cried over lost children, teenagers, mothers, fathers and grandparents. It was especially touching when I saw three trees for people's children that I knew. There were three "Twilight" trees. The only picture I took was of the University of Utah's golf team who said they were "teed off" because the U is cutting their golf program. I thought my dad would get a kick out of the tree.

I should have taken more pictures. There was a "Joy to the World" tree with no Joy ornaments on it but some large Joy things around it.
There were several Joy ornaments on various trees that I was coveting. Good thing there are volunteers standing by because I might have swiped some. There were these gorgeous purple glitter ones and unfortunately you can't ask people where they found them. Darn.

Rest in Peace

This year, I am singing with a group of ladies that perform at Christmas parties and other events. It has been really fun and challenging. (I am so choreography challenged.) We had our first performance at a retirement center. It's a great place to work the kinks out of our performance because the old people love you no matter what.
There are times in my life where I know something is going to be hard. I gear up, I'm prepared emotionally to "handle it". Then there are times when it comes out of nowhere. You didn't see it coming AT ALL.
We walked in to sing for the elderly people and the thought entered my mind that these people are going to see my Joy a lot sooner than I will. As one lady grabbed my hand while we were walking by I imagined her saying, "Your daughter is with you." I don't know where the thought came from. I didn't feel anything different but the tears started flowing. I was watching these people and had a little envy that they had nearly completed their journey. They have lived rich, full lives and have almost completed their assignments. I wanted to say, "Say Hi to Joy for me." All these thoughts going through my head while I was supposed to be singing. So I cried throughout the entire performance. The old people still loved us and told us we were beautiful and sounded like angels. One old guy remarked, "I love it when hot babes under 40 show up."

Joy Tree

I have been collecting Joy ornaments for the past year to decorate a tree in memory of my daughter. This year it is a four foot small tree with pink ribbons. I am hoping to collect enough ornaments to eventually have a large tree entirely filled with Joy ornaments.
Here are a few of my favorites.



































Every time I see the tree, I feel so much Joy. And then I sort of chuckle and think that if she were here, she would probably pull the ornaments off and carry them around proclaiming that they are "so pretty."