Celebrating with Traditions

Now that we are in our second year without Joy, the activities we do around her special days have become traditions. We started her birthday party off by going bowling. The kids love to do this and it is fun to see them talk smack about who's going to win. That honor went to daughter #2 this year. Let's just say the adults didn't have the bumpers up.
We then headed to the cemetery for our balloon launch. Everybody got to write a message to Joy on a balloon and send it to her in heaven.

We sang her favorite songs.

Then we got to decorate Dora cupcakes and sing her Happy Birthday.

It was a very beautiful day.

4 Years Ago

4 years ago, today, I was induced early so I could fly to my baby brother's wedding. I wanted her to be two weeks old when we made the airplane ride.
At my 10 week ultrasound, we saw a suspicious lump on the baby's head. My doctor assured me that he wasn't worried and it was probably her fist (which it was) but he wanted us to go to San Francisco for a super ultrasound to check it out. I was assigned a genetic counselor and we had to wait a few weeks to get there. That was a scary time for me. I felt peace though, knowing we would accept whatever challenge came with this baby in her lifetime. We went there and the technician told us that our baby was perfect. We were relieved and so excited that #4 would have a brother. She couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl yet, but I knew in my heart it was a boy. We couldn't decide on a name. As we were driving to the hospital, we started discussing names. We just couldn't agree and then we kind of looked at each other and said, "What if it's a girl?" I had had a dream the night before where a girl baby reached her little fingers out of my womb to hold my hand. My husband said, "I dreamed about a girl baby too." We just looked at each other and laughed.
Because of my rapid labor with #4 (and negligant nurse who left me for an hour and went to smoke) my doctor missed his birth.
My doctor was adamant that he would not miss the birth and convinced my nurse that I needed to be checked often. This made my nurse too nervous to be generous with the pitocin, so my epidural-free labor was slow-going until I got to 5. This is when it gets super fast for me and I could tell it was time. I told the nurse to call the doctor but when she checked me I was still a 6. She called him but she kept saying, "I hope I didn't call him too early." I said, "The baby is coming out." And sure enough, out she slid at 2:21 p.m. just as the doctor walked in the room. My husband looked at me and said, "It's not a boy."
I admit that my heart sunk. I KNEW it was a boy. I KNEW it was #4's brother. I called my mom in tears. I was sad for #4 and I was sad for me.
But, this only lasted about 2.5 seconds because she was such a Joy from the beginning. Her name fit her from the moment she was born. We knew she was special and we knew we were lucky to have her in our family. My husband and I decided that she needed to come to earth at this time so she must have jumped ahead of #4's brother. (Hmmmm...still waiting...)
This was a special time for us. My husband's work gave paid paternity leave and we had him home for 6 weeks to care for us all. I often look back on that time as our little "Heaven on Earth".

It was so fun to send her birth announcement welcoming, "JOY TO THE WORLD."
I am grateful that we got to have Joy on earth with us for 817 days. She brought us a lot of Joy.

Happing Birthday Darling. We miss you. We know you are continuing to bring Joy to all around you.

A Tired Mourning

They left in shifts today.
Most mornings it is one big whirlwind. Today it was several in a row.
Husband had an early meeting.
School choir morning.
3 different carpools have been in my driveway.
My baby was up at 4 a.m.
I am tired.
But it's not a "go back to bed and sleep it off" tired. It's deeper. A fatigue clear in my bones and down to my toes.
It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical fatigue.
I went to a baby funeral on Saturday. One of those heart wrenching, nobody should have to bury their baby, kind of funerals. I cried more and felt more at this funeral then I have in a long time. The Stake President told my friend that it is an honor and a privilege to be the mother of a baby too perfect for this earth. I know this is true but it is not easy. She has been preparing for months for the birth of a baby that would not live but it is a painful thing to bury a child, even if you know.
I still think about Joy all the time. Her friends started preschool. Her friends have play-dates together. Her friends were in the primary program.
October is the month of her birth. I still crave all things pumpkin like I did when I was pregnant with her.
My sis-in-law recently found this picture. I love the spiky hair. She's 11 months old.
My baby (and the others) fill my time and my heart. But I think that every mother's heart has a chamber for each child and no other child can fill the chamber that's meant for Joy.