A Tired Mourning

They left in shifts today.
Most mornings it is one big whirlwind. Today it was several in a row.
Husband had an early meeting.
School choir morning.
3 different carpools have been in my driveway.
My baby was up at 4 a.m.
I am tired.
But it's not a "go back to bed and sleep it off" tired. It's deeper. A fatigue clear in my bones and down to my toes.
It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical fatigue.
I went to a baby funeral on Saturday. One of those heart wrenching, nobody should have to bury their baby, kind of funerals. I cried more and felt more at this funeral then I have in a long time. The Stake President told my friend that it is an honor and a privilege to be the mother of a baby too perfect for this earth. I know this is true but it is not easy. She has been preparing for months for the birth of a baby that would not live but it is a painful thing to bury a child, even if you know.
I still think about Joy all the time. Her friends started preschool. Her friends have play-dates together. Her friends were in the primary program.
October is the month of her birth. I still crave all things pumpkin like I did when I was pregnant with her.
My sis-in-law recently found this picture. I love the spiky hair. She's 11 months old.
My baby (and the others) fill my time and my heart. But I think that every mother's heart has a chamber for each child and no other child can fill the chamber that's meant for Joy.