The blessing of the Bug

When I first saw this little guy, I totally had a moment. I thought about the possibility that he had just left my Joy. I wanted to ask, "How's Joy? Have you gotten to spend two months with her? Do the pre-earth and post-earth spirits get to interact? Did Joy tell him what awesome parents he's got?" Unfortunately my nephew didn't answer my questions. He did, however, awaken my longing for a baby. (No surprise there.)

His parents have taken to parenting like champs. (No surprise there either.) They graciously listen and act interested in all the advice spewed forth by all the siblings on both sides that have gone down the parenting road. Yep! I'm already his favorite aunt.

I realize now more than ever that these precious spirits belong to Heavenly Father. He can call them home anytime. Just love them and enjoy them as long as you get to have them on earth and we're so glad they are ours for eternity.

Can't Fight this Feeling

My nephews are visiting from out of town, so we decided to go see Horton Hears a Who. It has been forever and a half since I have seen a movie I could recommend. The movie is visually stunning, has a great message, and hey no potty humor. At the end I too wanted to burst into song. Does it date me if I swoon over REO Speedwagon? (Okay I was 10 when this song came out.)


On to my book review. This is my new favorite book. A Bride Most Begrudging by Deeanne Gist. Just the right amount of everything. Well written. I recommend staying in bed a whole day and reading it. Near the end the studly male protagonist proclaims, "I give up, God. You made me. You know how I am. I cannot keep my distance. Nor can I keep those I love alive. Only you can do that. Only you are God. I give over. I fall prostrate before you. What you see fit to bless me with I will rejoice over. When you takest away, I will turn to you for solace. For you are the One and Only God."

Blame it on the Rain

So today was a struggle. I'm trying to allow the feelings to surface instead of keeping them buried. It seems to be taking its toll-physically and emotionally.

In college, one of my friends was really going through some hard things. In trying to support her and love her, I drew and colored a picture of a rainbow. I had thought of her when I'd seen this quote, "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain". Today as I walked out my front door, I saw the most glorious site. (The picture doesn't do it justice.)

Thank you for all the love: a thin mints delivery, the most thoughtful email from a friend whose burden is surely harder to bear than mine, and a book about Joy's life. My husband's cousin, Camille, took Joy's life sketch, and made a book. It is beautiful.

Grocery Dire Straits

You would think with all of the newly acquired free time on my hands, I would become a shopping maniac. A few months ago, I would have given about anything to go into Costco alone. Now I dread it. (You can't go there without seeing someone you know and everyone has a beautiful 2 year old girl.)

Thanks to the compassion of many and my freezer, I haven't really had to buy a lot of groceries lately. Today I went to make lunches and we had no bread, no milk and no fruits or veggies of any kind. I guess it's time.

Well there is the occasional "I'm out of necessities like thin mint ice cream" run. Last time I set foot in a grocery store, it was to buy Eli a pack of gum and this...


Is anyone proud of me that I only bought half a dozen?

Faking it

I find that most of the time I'm "faking it." Keeping in feelings and emotions. Not trying to lose it in public. (Would now be the time to mention that I hate church?!?) I was in a situation last week that reminded me of this. I kept thinking about my thumb sucker and I knew that if I left my "business mode" I would never return. I'm not sure if this is a healthy reaction but I hate falling apart in public.
I guess I need to amend a little bit. I like pretending that I'm fine but I LOVE hugs from people that know otherwise.

Priceless

You know, I've gotten some pretty neat gifts lately. A LOT of flowers, which I love. So many people have been very thoughtful. I was hesitating naming names because I didn't want someone to think that if I didn't specifically name them than that meant I didn't like it or something like that. But too bad I'm doing it.
My friend, Tam, collected the flowers from Joy's grave, dried them in her basement, and (who knew in her former life she was a floral genius?) brought me this:

We found the perfect spot in my entry so when you walk in, you just look up. I love it! Thanks Tam.

And my other shout out goes to Brooke who was at my beck and call as the designated photographer. I so love the pictures.
I am so grateful that Brooke captured these moments because I was just there.

Emotionally Eating

Does anyone know what time of year it is? (I'll give you a hint.) If one of them knocked on my door right know, I'd buy 52 boxes so I could have one a week for a year. Yep. Thin Mints. Unfortunately, I don't know any girl scouts nor have I seen any walking the streets. I did, however, visit my local grocery store to get my annual supply of this.

I made a new year's resolution one year. No ice cream for breakfast. I have tried to stick to this ever since. But I must say, it's been a rough month. We're already to March?

Thanks to my out of state friends who hook me up with Safeway Brand Mint Tuxedos. There's nothing better. (Well, those thin mints...) Luckily I never said I couldn't have these for breakfast.

and I'm drinking too much of this...

and really there is nothing better than this. (My Valentine Stash)


And you know what's funny, I went to buy me some new pants a few days ago and I actually went down a size and they were loose. (I guess crying and stress must burn a lot of calories.)

But the reality of it all: trying to drown my sorrows in food doesn't even work. I'm still missing Joy.