Joy's Toy's

This year we donated Joy's Toy's to a store where less fortunate families can pick Christmas gifts. It is sponsored by several charities and it is local. We really enjoyed picking out her gifts. It's really hard to think about her getting older. We had to get Dora slippers. She may have grown out of her Dora phase by now, but I don't think WE ever will.

Have a Merry Christmas and thanks to all those who donated toys in honor of Joy. We love it when she is remembered.

Grief is OK-even for Mormons

I read this article today

The author talks about how people sometimes dismiss the loss of our loved ones because our religion teaches that we will see them again. I loved that he validates our grief and uses President Hinckley as an example.
Great article.

Time for the Joy Tree

We actually put it up on her birthday this year which was a really fun thing for us to do as a family.
My mother-in-law made this really cute tree skirt.


Here are some of my new favorite ornaments this year:





I'm always on the lookout for new unique joy ornaments. It brings my heart a little joy this time of year.

Celebrating with Traditions

Now that we are in our second year without Joy, the activities we do around her special days have become traditions. We started her birthday party off by going bowling. The kids love to do this and it is fun to see them talk smack about who's going to win. That honor went to daughter #2 this year. Let's just say the adults didn't have the bumpers up.
We then headed to the cemetery for our balloon launch. Everybody got to write a message to Joy on a balloon and send it to her in heaven.

We sang her favorite songs.

Then we got to decorate Dora cupcakes and sing her Happy Birthday.

It was a very beautiful day.

4 Years Ago

4 years ago, today, I was induced early so I could fly to my baby brother's wedding. I wanted her to be two weeks old when we made the airplane ride.
At my 10 week ultrasound, we saw a suspicious lump on the baby's head. My doctor assured me that he wasn't worried and it was probably her fist (which it was) but he wanted us to go to San Francisco for a super ultrasound to check it out. I was assigned a genetic counselor and we had to wait a few weeks to get there. That was a scary time for me. I felt peace though, knowing we would accept whatever challenge came with this baby in her lifetime. We went there and the technician told us that our baby was perfect. We were relieved and so excited that #4 would have a brother. She couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl yet, but I knew in my heart it was a boy. We couldn't decide on a name. As we were driving to the hospital, we started discussing names. We just couldn't agree and then we kind of looked at each other and said, "What if it's a girl?" I had had a dream the night before where a girl baby reached her little fingers out of my womb to hold my hand. My husband said, "I dreamed about a girl baby too." We just looked at each other and laughed.
Because of my rapid labor with #4 (and negligant nurse who left me for an hour and went to smoke) my doctor missed his birth.
My doctor was adamant that he would not miss the birth and convinced my nurse that I needed to be checked often. This made my nurse too nervous to be generous with the pitocin, so my epidural-free labor was slow-going until I got to 5. This is when it gets super fast for me and I could tell it was time. I told the nurse to call the doctor but when she checked me I was still a 6. She called him but she kept saying, "I hope I didn't call him too early." I said, "The baby is coming out." And sure enough, out she slid at 2:21 p.m. just as the doctor walked in the room. My husband looked at me and said, "It's not a boy."
I admit that my heart sunk. I KNEW it was a boy. I KNEW it was #4's brother. I called my mom in tears. I was sad for #4 and I was sad for me.
But, this only lasted about 2.5 seconds because she was such a Joy from the beginning. Her name fit her from the moment she was born. We knew she was special and we knew we were lucky to have her in our family. My husband and I decided that she needed to come to earth at this time so she must have jumped ahead of #4's brother. (Hmmmm...still waiting...)
This was a special time for us. My husband's work gave paid paternity leave and we had him home for 6 weeks to care for us all. I often look back on that time as our little "Heaven on Earth".

It was so fun to send her birth announcement welcoming, "JOY TO THE WORLD."
I am grateful that we got to have Joy on earth with us for 817 days. She brought us a lot of Joy.

Happing Birthday Darling. We miss you. We know you are continuing to bring Joy to all around you.

A Tired Mourning

They left in shifts today.
Most mornings it is one big whirlwind. Today it was several in a row.
Husband had an early meeting.
School choir morning.
3 different carpools have been in my driveway.
My baby was up at 4 a.m.
I am tired.
But it's not a "go back to bed and sleep it off" tired. It's deeper. A fatigue clear in my bones and down to my toes.
It's an emotional, spiritual, and physical fatigue.
I went to a baby funeral on Saturday. One of those heart wrenching, nobody should have to bury their baby, kind of funerals. I cried more and felt more at this funeral then I have in a long time. The Stake President told my friend that it is an honor and a privilege to be the mother of a baby too perfect for this earth. I know this is true but it is not easy. She has been preparing for months for the birth of a baby that would not live but it is a painful thing to bury a child, even if you know.
I still think about Joy all the time. Her friends started preschool. Her friends have play-dates together. Her friends were in the primary program.
October is the month of her birth. I still crave all things pumpkin like I did when I was pregnant with her.
My sis-in-law recently found this picture. I love the spiky hair. She's 11 months old.
My baby (and the others) fill my time and my heart. But I think that every mother's heart has a chamber for each child and no other child can fill the chamber that's meant for Joy.

Subway Delight

As we were traveling up to visit my husband's parents, we decided to stop at the half way point, a gas station/Subway. This is the place that I met them to hand over Joy, January 16, 2008, the last day I saw my daughter alive. I haven't been back to this place since. Our other trips I have purposely avoided the stop. So I geared up to handle it and inside we went. I showed the kids the table she was climbing on clutching the bag of cheetos I had bought her. In case we were going to get all sentimental or something, we were brought back to the present with our sweet baby exploding. And I mean exploding.
It always happens at the most inconvenient times. For example. No changing table in the bathroom. I mean the gas station is in the middle of nowhere. They could at least have a changing table. So fair warning if you ever want to stop and eat there.
Don't sit at the first table on your left as you enter. Yep. I changed my daughter on a table in Subway. I know. It's really gross to think about. I used paper towels to lay her on. Lots of baby wipes to clean up. It even required a change of clothes for me.
It really lightened the mood and made us all laugh during a time that might have been sad.

How many kids do you have?

Sometimes I'm confused.
In my heart, I have six.
On earth, I have five.
But this summer, sometimes I've had 4 or 3, or 2.
I took the kids to a movie. When the cashier asked me how many kids tickets I needed, I got confused. Let's see. 6 kids minus 1 that's in heaven plus a baby that doesn't need a ticket minus #1 at Girl's camp minus #3 who's staying with her grandma.
#2 got to stay with her cousins.
#1 had two weeks of camps.
So I'm finally back to my 5.
My heart still sometimes aches for 6.
But I'll take 5.

Here's to:

Getting 3 hours of sleep in a row.
Relief Society Meals.
Sisters who bring disposable dishes.
Older children that can change diapers, burp baby and even buckle baby into car seat.
The smell of a clean and lotioned baby.
Naps.
Caffeine. (Hello Happy Hour)
Baked Goods (I can't get enough.)
Grandmas and Grandpas.
Dads that take the first night shift.
Heart Shaped Lips.
and
Arms that are no longer empty.

The Missing

I sort of feel like I've gone backwards. I have six children but I never got to experience having six all at the same time on earth. I'm doing 5 again. Everyday I see the blazing gap between #4 and Baby. It has ripped my heart open again. I miss my Joy. I have gotten used to her not being here but having the baby and seeing the hole just makes me miss her. I can only imagine her as the big sister, wanting to hold the baby and help mommy get diapers. I can only imagine her pretending to nurse her dolls as her sisters did when she was born.
Joy, 4 days old
Isn't it amazing how a mother's heart can stretch and love so easily? It's a little scary to open your heart and love too much. But it's too late. I'm in love.
9 days old and ready to visit the cemetery

What's so "natural" about pitocin anyway?

So I've been having the eternal debate.

I read two of my angel mom friends delivery stories and they both beautifully describe the natural birthing process that they went through.

My last three baby deliveries have been epidural-free. It was very empowering to know that I could do it. I lived in "granola" land and felt a little bit heroic to join the throngs of women who have birthed babies naturally.
So now I'm back in happy valley where they hand out epidurals with breakfast and I really want one. I'm actually not scared of contractions, transition, or pushing (the last two have slid out with no pushing). I'm worried about afterwards. Delivering the placenta, massaging the uterus, getting stitches. The after birth pains are pretty intense. I really want to enjoy the process.
I want to hold my baby after delivery instead of being in pain and saying, "No thanks. I'll wait."

I feel like this time, as I bring a baby from heaven, I can save myself some pain whereas I couldn't escape the pain of sending one back to heaven. Where was my epidural then? I guess there's no epidural for the heart.

How am I doing?

I can hardly believe May is here. Surprisingly enough, it's gone fast. Well, some of it was slow. The aches and pains, the barfing, the heartburn and digestive issues.
I've done the hard tasks. Sorting clothes. Cleaning the carseat. Getting crib ready. Now we play the waiting game.
Today was a nostalgic day. #4 had a field trip so he was not with me all morning. I missed him keeping me company, challenging me to a game of Uno where the ultimate champion gets to boss around the other. I missed reading his books and letting him chatter on about his friends.
I did a batch of laundry where pink baby clothes were mixed in with all our others and it was a weird moment. Seeing the clothes that Joy wore and not yet holding a baby but knowing the clothes are for her. She's still a dream until I hold her. Yes. I'm in a weird place.
When I was cleaning the carseat, (which was disgustingly dirty) I thought about how I was wiping away remnants of Joy. Her spit-up. Her cracker crumbs. Her little messes. I wasn't emotional about it really, it's just all so weird.
In other news...She has a name. (Which won't be disclosed until birth.)
And I'm dilated to a 3. Big whoop. I could still go two more weeks but it's a start.

Easter

This year I wanted to do something special for Easter.
I decided to turn our typical treasure hunt into service oriented activities sprinkled with a little candy. The service was for our family. I didn't really think creatively enough to expand to others. (Plus, That laundry really needed to be folded.)
So the kids planted our peas, did a secret service for someone, put away items out of place around the house, folded laundry, and looked for a few treats hidden around the house. They also had to look for hidden pinwheels that we took to the cemetery.
Standing around Joy's grave we talked about the resurrection and how grateful we are that Jesus paved the way so that we know that Joy will live again.

Birthday Haiku

It's no surprise that my children are geniuses. #2 gave me this card for my birthday and informed me that it was a Haiku. I had to be reminded of what that was. (Each line has a certain number of syllables or words or something. 5-7-5. I think.)
I just thought it was a really sweet reminder that Joy is with us and we are always thinking of her.

I had a sister
Whose work was done on the earth
So she flew away

I will still love her
I will still remember her
Although she is gone

She is my laughter
She is my precious angel
She is still my Joy

I have memories
That I will always treasure
And never forget

Even though I'm sad
I know she's in a good place
Where I want to be

I try to be good
So I can see her again
And be together



#3's card said this:
I love you so much.
Joy is watching over us and thinking I love my eternal family.
She loves you very much.
I do to.
We all do.
This is a very special day. Joy is so happy to have lived with you.
I love you.

Dear Target Shoppers,

I apologize for that emotionally unstable lady you ran into yesterday in the baby aisle. She really isn't ready to look at needed baby items. While she was looking at the clearance items and accidentally dropped a portable crib slip cover on the table of lotions and shampoos, spilling them into the aisles, Thank you to the two ladies who scrambled over to help pick them up while she stood there deciding if she should purchase the item.
To the woman with the car seat blocking her view, with the toddler hanging off the side, whose cart bumped into this emotionally unstable lady: I promise that she wasn't hurt, the tears were from your apology, "So sorry. It's hard to steer these carts when they're covered in babies."
To the maternity salesperson: No offense intended for her complaints about the butt part of the pants being too small while the stomach part is too big. (Her emotional eating is catching up with her behind while her baby bump is still small.)
To the random strangers with beautiful girl toddlers in your carts: I'm sorry she stares and cries. She can't help but wish there was one in her cart.
Be assured, dear friends at Target, she only visits you when she absolutely has to such as when the junior high gym teacher is demanding a swimsuit and tennis shoes. And don't worry, next time she tries to go shopping in the baby aisle, I'll make sure she has a chaperone.
With Love,
Tami

We Have Not Forgotten

These words have been the cause of my tears today. I received a card in the mail from the funeral home. It's actually a very generic, plain card. But they are in the business of knowing just what to say. Four words. We have not forgotten.
I think this must be the fear of every person who has lost someone. I want people to remember her. As time goes on, it will be harder to remember the details of her life. She wasn't here long. What if I forget? I am already accustomed to this new way of living without her. My new normal.
Thank you to everyone who has remembered us. We have received many calls, emails, cards, packages, flowers, balloons.



My sweet nephews sent me this candy bar poster. I love it and I'm not sharing any candy.



My kids attacked this before I could even get a picture.

The flowers are gorgeous and we love Dora balloons.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One Year Later

Sunday, January 20, 2008: The day my life changed forever. I'll never forget that phone call.
It's hard to believe that it's been a year. I see how much my kids have grown and I can't help but wonder. What would she be like? I wonder what she's been doing. What mission is she on? What work was so important that she had to hurry back?

The kids were out of school so we had a day filled with family activities. First, we went bowling.

We cheered for each other and were the loudest in the whole place..

This was so cute. Copying his bowling technique.
I can officially claim the title as best bowler in the family.
After we went out to lunch, we went to the cemetery. We sang Joy her favorite songs and it was a beautiful, peaceful day.In the evening, My dear bother and his wife came and brought dinner. We played games and just hung out as a family. We lined the driveway and walkway with luminaries and they were beautiful.
We will never forget you Joy, our sweet daughter.

Houseplants

I'm sort of mad at my plants. I'm angry that they have lived for a whole year. I didn't even own a plant before January of last year. Well, except for the plant that I received as a wedding gift. To insure it's survival, my mom took it hostage one day shortly thereafter. Under her care, it has grown into a large tree. So here I am, one year later, with a house full of plants. To be fair, they too, have survived mostly because my mom waters them every time she visits. I guess I'm just annoyed that my plants live while my Joy doesn't. The picture above is one of my plants after a lack of water. This is how I feel some days. Just a little down. One of the things I love about this plant is that with a little water, it bounces right back. I'm a lot like this plant. Some days are harder than others but I bounce back.