Christmas with the Ones I Love

These are the things I loved about Christmas.

Sleeping over at my parents house.
All the traditions: Christmas Eve Dinner and Program and the Christmas Morning cinnamon rolls with Mom's eggs.
I loved feeling their love, being snowed in and letting my mom wait on me.

I loved that my kids were excited about toothbrushes, gum and other miscellaneous little things in their stockings.

I was probably more excited about their bikes then they were, especially because there was one for me out there.

I loved that even though there was not a princess bike in the garage on Christmas Morning, I had peace in my heart.

Wishing you a Pink Christmas

Only 17 of you were right.
I admit I am surprised, too.
The girls came home from a day of skiing to find this.


Merry Christmas.

Christmas Eve Cemetary Caroling

We wanted to go caroling to Joy so we all decorated a white lunch sack and made luminaries. We lit them and sang. It was freezing cold but we sang our hearts out knowing she was listening.




Merry Christmas little Joy.
We love you.

My First Christmas With Jesus

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare with the
Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside
your heart.But I am not so far away, We really aren't apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory of my undying love. After all, love
is a gift more precious than pure gold.It was always most
important in the stories Jesus told. Please love and keep
each other, as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Christmas Past

This time last year, we were eagerly awaiting and anticipating Christmas. I was so excited to surprise my kids with their trip to see Wicked. We caroled to our friends. We sang in the Messiah and our ward choir. We went to parties and movies. We went skiing and sledding. As my husband puts it, we were happily oblivious to the events soon to come. We were in our little perfect world.

It feels weird this year. The same but different. We are doing the usual things. We are even enjoying them most of the time. Our hearts are missing our little Joy. Our capacity to love others has grown immensely and I think this year we really understand and are grateful for the birth of the Christ child who made it possible for us all to return to live with our Heavenly Parents.

Monkey Ornament

At my daughter's funeral, my bro-in-law told the story of when he and his wife were babysitting my kids. Joy was looking for me one morning and was calling, "Mom". He said, "She's not here, try Dad." He wasn't there either so they proceeded to call each of the other kids. They were downstairs sleeping so he said, "Try monkey." So she went around calling for monkey, monkey whenever she was looking for him. When we got home from our trip, we were wondering why she wandered the halls saying "monkey, monkey" in her sing-song voice.
I received this in the mail today and I love it. I've been crying all day about it.


The perfect addition to the Joy tree.

Obsessed

The Christmas after Joy was born, one of my friends brought me some candles that had Joy written on them. She asked me, "Are you sick of Joy stuff?" I wasn't then and let's just say that now, I'm mildly obsessed.
I picked these up at a local store. So darling.
My Joy tree is just looking fantastic. My sister sent these in the mail.I picked these up at Kohls.

That fat snowman. How cute is that.

Sorry kids.

About Christmas.

Mom spent all her time and money shopping for Joy ornaments.

Sharing Joy

I have talked about the Sharing Place before. It is a wonderful program for children that have lost someone close to them. They get to do activities that remember their loved one and they get to "share" whatever feelings or thoughts they are having. While the children are doing this, the parents are in a circle talking about their experiences. All the adults in my group are there because they lost a spouse. Sometimes when we are sharing, I feel like the outsider. They are talking about life challenges without a spouse and I'm talking about burying a child. While both are hard, they are different and I have gotten so much more out of talking to Molly and the other Angel moms I have met through the blogging world.

A few weeks ago, the group was discussing the challenges of the holidays and missing their loved ones. Everyone in my group has already faced at least 1 to 2 Christmases. Since it was my first, they were wondering if we were doing anything special. I mentioned my Joy tree and a couple of other things. Last night, a few of the dads in my group brought me these.

I can't even tell you how this touched me. They said they had thought of me while they were shopping this year. I guess it meant so much because I hardly know them. These men had lost their wives and they are raising their kids alone. It just proved that even though our losses are different, we are still empathetic to losing a loved one.

#2 and 3 made these and proudly added them to the Joy tree.

The Missing Sunbeam

Today the Sunbeams were introduced in primary. They got to stand in front and twirl a wand while the primary kids sang, "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam."
I was playing the piano today and that was good because I would not have held up as the song leader.
There are times when I miss her so much that it hurts. Today was one of those days.
It's not that I don't get the plan. It's not that I don't trust that the Lord knew what he was doing. In fact, I know only the gifted kids get to skip sunbeams and go to heaven early. It's just that it seems too far away until we get to be with her again.

Singing is an act of Joy

Last night we had the privilege of attending the Mormon Tabernacle Choir Christmas Concert. I think everybody should hear them live at least once in their lifetime. They are incredible. Music has a way of touching my soul in a way that nothing else can. One of my most spiritual moments in my whole life was leading a Stake Choir in the Hallelujah Chorus. To this day I can't sing that song without crying and remembering that special moment for me.
The guest artist, Broadway Star, Brian Stokes Mitchell, made a point that just resonated with my whole soul. He said that Christmas is a time of Joy. Then he said, "Singing is an act of Joy."
This I know to be true. I have enjoyed so much the opportunity to sing this year. I know that music is truly a heavenly form of communicating.
It is exciting to think that you can take it with you. We can all be a part of the heavenly choir. (We should all practice up by joining our ward choirs.) Truly, for me, singing is an act of Joy.

Lazy Day

So today is a lazy day. I slept in and have lazily stayed in my p.j.'s.
I did, however, jump out of bed when I heard my favorite person's high pitched voice at my door (pre-9 a.m.) bringing me this:

Can you tell how purple and sparkly it is from the picture? I love it.

Toys for Tots

One other post about doing something to remember Joy this Holiday Season.
I think one of my greatest fears is that people will forget that Joy ever existed.

I invited my nieces and nephews to let Joy participate in the cousin gift exchange by purchasing a gift that a three year old girl would love. I asked them to donate it to “Toys for Tots” or a homeless shelter in the area where they live.
There are lots of kids that might not get presents this year so we thought this would be a nice way to remember Joy and help out another child. If you want to also participate, I would love it. Send me an email and a picture or leave a comment and tell me about your experience.

Here is what each of the kids picked out. It was a fun way to remember their sister.

Gifts for Joy

This year we decided to hang Joy's stocking and fill it with gifts for her. We are all doing acts of service for each other and for everyone we can. It is a way to remember the real reason for the season. We want to bring Joy to everyone. We want to feel our Savior's love by serving others. We want to feel closer to Christ so we can remember that we want to return to live with our Heavenly Father and Joy again. When you perform a kind act, you get to write it on a paper and put it in the stocking. On Christmas Eve, we will read them all. May you, too, feel a lot of Joy this Holiday Season by serving others.

Festival of Trees

Today we sang at the Festival of Trees. I prepared myself emotionally. I couldn't look at the audience because my mom came to watch and I knew I'd cry if I looked at her. There were also some friends from church there. So I avoided eye contact with the audience, avoided thinking about the fact that so many people donated trees and didn't look at the big poster with a sick child in a hospital bed. It was exhausting. We sounded great I think and the people I knew said I was "glowing." So I made it through without crying.
The festival benefits Primary Children's so there are a lot of families that donate trees in memory of a child that dies there. So we walked around and cried over lost children, teenagers, mothers, fathers and grandparents. It was especially touching when I saw three trees for people's children that I knew. There were three "Twilight" trees. The only picture I took was of the University of Utah's golf team who said they were "teed off" because the U is cutting their golf program. I thought my dad would get a kick out of the tree.

I should have taken more pictures. There was a "Joy to the World" tree with no Joy ornaments on it but some large Joy things around it.
There were several Joy ornaments on various trees that I was coveting. Good thing there are volunteers standing by because I might have swiped some. There were these gorgeous purple glitter ones and unfortunately you can't ask people where they found them. Darn.

Rest in Peace

This year, I am singing with a group of ladies that perform at Christmas parties and other events. It has been really fun and challenging. (I am so choreography challenged.) We had our first performance at a retirement center. It's a great place to work the kinks out of our performance because the old people love you no matter what.
There are times in my life where I know something is going to be hard. I gear up, I'm prepared emotionally to "handle it". Then there are times when it comes out of nowhere. You didn't see it coming AT ALL.
We walked in to sing for the elderly people and the thought entered my mind that these people are going to see my Joy a lot sooner than I will. As one lady grabbed my hand while we were walking by I imagined her saying, "Your daughter is with you." I don't know where the thought came from. I didn't feel anything different but the tears started flowing. I was watching these people and had a little envy that they had nearly completed their journey. They have lived rich, full lives and have almost completed their assignments. I wanted to say, "Say Hi to Joy for me." All these thoughts going through my head while I was supposed to be singing. So I cried throughout the entire performance. The old people still loved us and told us we were beautiful and sounded like angels. One old guy remarked, "I love it when hot babes under 40 show up."

Joy Tree

I have been collecting Joy ornaments for the past year to decorate a tree in memory of my daughter. This year it is a four foot small tree with pink ribbons. I am hoping to collect enough ornaments to eventually have a large tree entirely filled with Joy ornaments.
Here are a few of my favorites.



































Every time I see the tree, I feel so much Joy. And then I sort of chuckle and think that if she were here, she would probably pull the ornaments off and carry them around proclaiming that they are "so pretty."

Happy Birthday Joy

It's been nine months since we said goodbye to our Joy. As her third birthday approached, we wanted to celebrate but I didn't want to throw a princess party with her missing. It just didn't feel right. We went to the cemetery and everyone got to write Joy a message on a balloon that we would send to heaven for her to read.



Then the kids got to open a present from Joy. Here is what the note to the girls said:

I wanted you to have these necklaces. I thought it was perfect that sisters could be best friends forever. Whenever you wear these necklaces, I want you to think of me and remember that we are a family forever. We need to always make good choices and obey the commandments so we can be together again. I am near you often and I love to see my family being happy, serving others, and being kind, nice and good. I love you so much. Love Joy

To the boy, I got you this watch so you will remember that it is always time to obey Heavenly Father. I love you. Joy


It was a beautiful day. Thank you to those who sent flowers, cards and gifts. My friends showed up on Friday morning and said the gift they were giving me for Joy's birthday was a clean house. I feel so blessed. I'm grateful to all of our family and friends that worked to make the day special.

My sister and her daughter

My sister and I have been pregnant together 3 times.
The third time produced these two darlings. 2 months apart. Same school year. Destined to be best buddies just like me and her mom were all growing up. Ha Ha. When my sister got word about Joy, she left her family, jumped on an airplane and spent the week by my side. She was my personal secretary and I loved it. I know she had feelings of guilt and questioned why this happened to Joy and not her daughter or even someone else.

This last week she and her kids have been visiting. We have had so much fun.
Although I was haunted by her little girl this week, it was comforting too. When she sang high school musical and camp rock songs, I knew that Joy, also, would have known every word. When she ran down my hallway and I heard the pitter patter of little toddler legs, I realized that I missed that sound. I felt a little sad that My Sister's Daughter wouldn't even remember that she had a girl cousin her age. It was great to be near her and see how she's changed and grown since I saw her in the summer. I only wished they lived closer. Thanks for hanging out with me. We had a great time.

Dressed in White

Sunday morning arrived much too quickly for all the partying I've been doing with my sister in town. #3 really wanted to wear her baptism dress. She talked #2 and #1 into wearing their dresses too. #1 couldn't believe that hers still fit four years later. I sat there in church and I looked down the row at my beautiful daughters all dressed in white. I thought about Joy and how the last time I saw her she was dressed in white. We picked a dress that had some pink accents. It was the perfect dress.
I thought about her blessing day, the only other time she was dressed in white. I thought about how I would miss seeing her in her baptism dress and her wedding dress.
I thought about her now dressed in white in the Spirit World fulfilling her assignments. Hoping that she was also sitting on the row with us that day in church.

Home Alone

This was not my plan.

The plan was to always, always have a baby so the day would never come that I would be home alone.

Now don't get me wrong. I will enjoy myself during my 3 1/2 hours child-free daily. But today I'm mourning the loss of my sweet little boy who is just growing up way too fast.


When I dropped him off, he was in hysterics. He was gripping me so tight and crying and saying, "Please don't leave me here mommy." My heart was breaking but I kept telling myself to keep it together until he went inside. I thought it would only be worse if I was crying too.
At this point I can no longer hold it in. Tears were streaming. Thank heavens for sunglasses.
I'm sure there were other moms there that thought I was crazy. There they were holding their babies and toddlers in their arms and thinking, "Geez, It's only kindergarten."

Not to me.
It's knowing my youngest child on earth is growing up.
It's missing a daughter that should be home with me.
It's humbly knowing that I'm not in charge of The Plan.

It's being home alone before you're ready.

Miss Molly

I got to spend some time with Molly today. It's just very healing for us both to be with someone who knows.
She wrote about it here. If you haven't read her posts, you really should. She writes with so much feeling and description that you feel that you are experiencing the journey with her. It is wonderful that we can sit together and see the joy and light that can come from sorrow. Love you Miss Molly. We can do this.

Life is like the Ropes Course

It has been several years since I have done the ropes course at our favorite family reunion spot, Aspen Grove. I used excuses of pregnancy, just given birth, or too out of shape. But let's face it, I was scared. I don't like doing certain things. I like to whine and have excuses for things that are too hard.
This year I really wanted to do it. I had no good excuse not to and I realized that there are harder things in life than the ropes course.
I hesitate showing the "behind" shots but it's proof. First you have to climb the log. (The foot-holes are small and the log is swinging a little bit and it's slippery. Oops sorry. There I go whining again.)




When I got to the wall climbing part, I realized that I would have to make a leap of faith because the foot-holes were a little too far apart to just climb up. This is where I became very grateful for "that guy." You know the one standing at the bottom holding the ropes. I knew he was not going to let me fall. When I made the leap, he pulled tight. I could feel him helping me just enough that I could do it.

I knew I could do it.

I realized then that it was like this life journey that we are on. Life is hard. There are many times when we don't think we can make it to the next step but God is there pulling tight on the ropes. He lets us work hard enough that it is still our life but he lifts us up when it's too hard to go on. I know this is true. I know He will never let us fall.

With God's help, I can do hard things.

A little bit of Hope

This is where I caught #3. She's looking at the book Camille made for us.

#3 is the child I worry about most. She doesn't talk about Joy very often. She gets upset whenever I am crying or even look like I am about to cry. So it was a relief to see her looking at the book and crying. I took her in my arms and I said, "What do you miss about Joy?" We looked at the book together and we cried and laughed.

Welcome to The Club

A few months ago, I was at a Stake R. S. Women's Conference. It was one of those days when the tears flow. The messages were uplifting and I was really glad I was there. I was introduced to a few people who I didn't know, but they had heard about me. "Here's the person I was telling you about that lost her daughter." I was getting a little tired of being the one whose daughter died.
I went into my last class and the teacher, standing at the door, said, "Hi. What's your name?" After I said my name she said, "Oh, now, how do I know you?" I was a little exasperated and I blurted out, "My daughter died in January. That's how everybody knows me."
Her eyes immediately filled with tears and she put her arms around me and she said, "Welcome to the club. It's been 24 years since my little girl died." (Turns out she didn't know that and knows me because of another thing.)

The club.
It's sort of an elite group. The membership price is far more than anyone wants to pay. More than you think you can bear except somehow you pay it. The blessings and miracles are plentiful. The sorrow and tears overflowing.

I've met a few other people in the club. I find comfort in these sisters of mine. We share a bond like no other.
Lucy's mom wrote "I think I'm starting to understand better what the scriptures mean when they say "being alive in Christ". I want to be alive in Christ...and in Lucy. With their presence we can not only feel "normal" again, but like we're truly living. Alive. Loving. Serving. Joyous. Whole."
Molly reminds me that I am so very lucky to have four other kids to focus on and continue loving. She shared a quote from Neal A. Maxwell. "A cavity dug from sorrow becomes a receptacle for joy." (Did you know that I LOVE quotes that have joy in them?)
Camille's mom taught me to, "Force yourself to do something Physical (workout), Spiritual (pray, ponder and study scriptures), Mental (write or read some or exercise your brain), and Social (serve others or just get out and be with people) EVERYDAY. It is what the Savior did and if you do it everyday it will make you happier. It is the only way I know to claw out of the pit of sorrow."
Does Wii Fit count? (I'm getting pretty good at the yoga poses.:)

I can hardly believe that we just passed the six month mark. And as hard as it is to be in the club, it is wonderful to have a support group of loving people who know how it is.

One final thought from Elder Maxwell, "Meanwhile, there are no separate paths back to that heavenly home. Just one straight and narrow way, at the end of which, though we arrive trailing tears, we shall at once be “drenched in joy.”

I am counting on that!

Family Pictures minus one

It was one of those days that I'm surprised I made it through. Well, sort of made it through. I could not stop crying and I was really trying to fake it. We did back-to-back reunions this year and at both of them we did family pictures.
I wanted to stop the show. "Wait. One of mine is missing."
Here are all my parents grandkids. Except for Joy.
I still see Joy in their faces. I am so glad that they can smile and laugh and continue to live. #1 is wearing her Joy necklace. It seems that I'm not the only one that was missing her this day.

The photographer grouped us into individual families and seated us first and then said, "Is this all of your children?" Um, Nope. Fresh tears. I'm totally wiping my nose. (The professional pictures turned out much better. I'm just posting random shots from my camera.)

The extended Fam. 105 people. Each generation in a different color.

Then we did it again with our other side.

I can totally see Joy with her angel wings sitting in the tree with them.

I'm so grateful for eternal families. Even though she's missing in the picture, she is in our family forever.